Reflections

So right now I am sitting at a cafe across from my apartment, just so that I can soak up some human interaction. Nope I am not here with anyone, I am sitting alone, but seeing people and hearing people is just like a drug for me! I need it! It sucks when your only friend is Barney from How I Met Your Mother...and he is accompanied by annoying Korean subtitles. :/ I miss my friends, especially Bethany, Amy, Randi, Courtney and Lili. I miss Kyle too. But, that is a whole 'nother story.

Anyways, I am sitting here reflecting on my life. Kind of much for a Friday night. But, I am 22 and in the last five years have lived in Slovakia, Biddeford, ME, Cleveland, OH, Corvallis, OR and Seoul, South Korea. What does that say about me? That I can change? That I am brave? I don't think so...

Right now I am hating change. I would rather be in the same old apartment I lived in for the last year, or Kyle's room in which I lived in the last two months than here. Am I brave? Well, I am living in a city of ten million people and am scared s***less and have never felt more alone. So again, I would say not.

Kyle says he loves that I never give up. But, I am pretty close to giving up on Korea... have I changed? I don't know. I have hit a crossroads in my life and I just don't know where to go next...

I don't think Korea is for me. I think right now what I need is stability. Korea is very mobile. Kyle is stable, my parents are stable, my friends...stable. I just want that, I want that sameness.

I really miss writing papers (Kyle would cringe), but I love it. Maybe school IS in my future...

One thing I know for sure is that I HATE being alone. I cannot do it. I miss people, talking, cuddling, sleepovers, girly movies, Indian dinners, oh and PANCAKES!! Will moving to Ohio fix this?

I don't know... pancakes, Indian dinners, cuddling - all in Oregon. Parents, family, job, money - all in Ohio. So what to do? I guess I have no options now. Right now, I HAVE to go to Ohio. But, how long that will last I don't know...

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my family!! I don't know where or who I would be without them! They give me strength constantly and are my number one support system. I just am so lucky to have my parents...they love me so much and would do anything for me. Yet, I feel like I am a ball of yarn. Maybe the center of my yarn is in Ohio, with my family. But, there is definitely quite a few strings in Oregon, Korea, Maine and Slovakia (among other places) and I just don't know which strings I need to cut off and which ones I need to chase down....

The second day I was here I met a girl that God definitely brought into my life. I was on the train to church and she was too. We had similar stories, and she said she just knew that God brought here for a reason. At that I almost cried, because I felt the SAME way! It was - perfect. And now I have to ask - why? Why am I here and what is next? I just don't know... but I cannot wait to be home and for Kyle to get out of OCS. I need my partner back, and I need my friends.

I need to figure out where to next. I just feel like I cannot do it alone. And I know I am not alone, but in Seoul, the city with 10 MILLION people... quoting an earlier statement, I have never felt MORE alone...